Rain Drops

I can feel time running down my face in tiny droplets. Moments from the past coming back in little bits. Raining on me as I go about my day.

"In the middle of a bad dream I ask whoever is filming not to stop.

I don't know what a nightmare is called when I am napping during the day, or if I am awake, but I'm guessing it's really all the same.

I enter this hole of self-pity

  Which is really housing another hole of self loathing

    Which reveals itself as a sea of utter contempt

      and I am now floating." Milo - One Lonely Owl

Life is full of apologies we never make for one reason or another. Sometimes, once we realize we owe an apology, it is no longer possible to extend it. If there were one outstanding apology I never made that I could give, it would be for that year, and you likely do not remember any of the reasons I would want to apologize for it. However, I have evaluated myself and firmly landed at disappointment. To study and explain a behavior is not to justify it as morally defensible. I can understand why I acted the way I did, and I can understand why I was unable to recognize the problem with my actions, but that does not absolve me of them, even if undetected by others. I remain disappointed in my blind selfishness. I let you make most of the effort, while offering very little effort in return. Communication. Traveling. I could go on, but to what end? All was moot a long time ago. While this did not cause a rift, the continuation of the pattern and habits eventually played their role in the unraveling and estrangement. In the end, some could say the scales were balanced. Perhaps I earned the outcomes I endured? I simply cannot see it that way. What happened later does not retroactively justify me. Even now, seeing the entire picture, and knowing my err was arguably very minor by comparison to errors I would make later, I would still go back and change it if I could. Knowing it would mean nothing, and change nothing.

An apt analogy would be realizing after your plane crashes that you should have packed differently, and wishing you could go back and correct it. The outcome may make it meaningless in a grand causal sense, but knowing you could have and should have done better is its own moment in time, and should appropriately be considered as such. If I were to distill the apology down to one sentence, it would be: "I wish I would have taken the bus more."