Tension

The State: Like a guitar string wound far too tightly, today I feel I am but a small vibration away from snapping. While "snapping" works well for the analogy, and indeed also for the colloquial term for losing composure, I feel like the idea carries connotations that are a mismatch. It sounds almost violent. What I imagine is much less of a spectacle and, in my experience, closure to the snapping of a guitar string. It is sudden. Unexpected. A month ago, I was tuning one of my guitars from D standard back to E standard. The high e just snapped while I was tuning it. One "ping" and then silence while I stared at it thinking, "Dang it..."It seemed fine. Now it is just done. Similarly, I feel snapping from tension for me is often more like this expression. An audible noise indicating I have reached my limit, then prolonged silence and disengagement. The tension gone, but also any efficacy for a while.

Correcting the Drift: Yesterday, I made attempts to force myself out of this. I engaged in many things I am passionate about, hoping I could shake it or at least shift over to hyper-fixation. Practiced guitar for a while. No luck. Melted metal scrap for a few hours. Nothing. Drug out all my welding stuff to weld... Didn't end up starting, put it all back. Tried video games. Nothing. Thought about writing, but had no motivation to write anything. I wanted to read something, or at least try. My concern was that I could associate my mood/state with what I tried to read. Say I make an effort, it doesn't work, then negatively associate with that book and miss out of something I could have grown from. However, toward the end of the night, I was becoming so sensitive towards sound that I went down to my study, as my kids were being loud. They were having fun, and I did not want to ruin their fun with my attitude, and I was one loud noise away from bursting to pieces. When I feel like this, it is apparent. When I wince at every small sound, as if it causes physical pain, that is an indicator. So, I went down to my study and just sat there. Doing nothing. Listening to the clock tick, which sounded overwhelmingly loud, but was not agitating me. After about 30min of doing nothing but staring, trying to be calm, I decided to try reading something from Marcus Aurelius. I recalled that I have said his writing calms me down. I read for a while, and it did calm me down. I remain tense, but no real concern of snapping. I will share the passage, and the reason why it helped.

The Reading: Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book II, 17 "The measure of man's life is a point, substance a perpetual ebb and flow, sense-perception vague and shadowy, the fabric of his whole body corruptible, the soul past searching out, fortune a whirligig, and fame the decision of unreason. In brief, the things of the body are unstable as water; the things of the soul dreams and vapours; life itself a warfare or a sojourning in a strange land. What then shall be our guide and escort? One thing, and one only -- Philosophy. And true Philosophy is to observe the celestial part within us, to keep it inviolate and unscathed, above the power of pain and pleasure, doing nothing at hazard, nothing with falsehood, and nothing with hypocrisy; careless whether another do this or that, or no; accepting every vicissitude and every dispensation as coming from that place which was its own home; and at all times awaiting death with cheerfulness, in the sure knowledge that it is but a dissolution of the elements whereof every life is compound. For if to the elements themselves there is no disaster in that they are forever changing each to other, how shall we fear the change and dissolution of all? It is in harmony with nature, and naught that is evil can be in harmony with nature." My Takeaway: It served as a nice reminder. Life undergoes a perpetual ebb and flow. "-The things of the body are unstable as water; the things of the soul dreams and vapours; life itself a warfare or a sojourning in a strange land." Sure, right now I am tense, on edge, and wound up, but it will not persist indefinitely. Nothing does. Since I have already recognized that I am in a passing state that is not governed by reality around me, it is my duty to rein it in and not let it affect how I interact with others. Philosophical grounding. If I can not willfully change the state of my mind, then it stands to reason I must resist letting this state of mind change my reality, as it is disconnected, passing, and unjustified. Additionally, being acutely aware of my own displeasure, and in the immediate experience of it, I can register that it is not something I want to evocate in others. That is within my power... I think.