Condemned to Witness

William A. Bushnell
Dec 21, 2025
4 min read

"I am condemned to witness, not to be received."

A lamentation delivered with no desire for pity, remedy, or reconciliation.

I preface this with clarification that I have no desire for pity, remedy, or reconciliation because I am unsure of how else to clearly preempt inferences. Often, if you state a negative observation, it is treated as if you are complaining, even if delivered as a deadpan statement. It may be a mismatch in processing styles, but it warrants clarification as inference seems to be the most common response. Many times in life I have stated something I noticed and heard the response, "Stop complaining." Without fail, that confuses me. I stated an objective fact, I did not explain my perception of it. To this day, my brain is not prepared for most of the common inferences that others make. I desire to be understood, so I speak directly and clearly. However, for this, I will obfuscate meaning intentionally, so the preface becomes more necessary.

Intricately knotted rope suspended in mid-air over a misty, monochromatic sea. Soft lighting creates a mysterious, surreal ambience.

A change has come in the seasons of life. Stable pillars I have relied on for some time have revealed they were not as stable as I had believed. In my experience and trials, I simply had never happened to test the weak point, nor know it was there. I was unprepared for the collapse of my structure, as we usually are. If we knew we were in danger, surely we would have acted. Or, so reason would imply.

The revelation has left me grasping for understanding but I am continually failing to reconcile the accounts.

It is also startling to find out how fragile security can be.

I have begun to question what purpose there is to any effort? If bonds that took many years to forge collapse under weight, then in what sense was anything even done? Would I also spend years building a bridge, knowing that it will collapse if set foot on?

The reality is, we build the bridge believing it is sturdy. If it collapses, we are unprepared for the fall. An outsider can evaluate the situation and present evidence and explanation for why it happened. However, that does not change that you fell and got hurt. The post hoc analysis does little in the way of consolation.

Abandoned room with peeling teal wallpaper, a damaged wooden floor, and a fallen frame. A window casts light, creating a desolate atmosphere.

"If you show yourself lacking courage on the day of distress,

Your strength is meager.

Rescue those who are being taken away to death,

And those who are staggering to the slaughter, Oh hold them back!

If you say, "See, we did not know this,"

Does He who weighs the hearts not consider it?

And does He who watches over your soul not know it?

And will He not repay a person according to his work?" - Proverbs 24:10-12 (NASB)

A man stands before a painting of a burning, dilapidated house. Surrounding tools and boxes suggest an artist's studio. Urban skyline behind.

How should I proceed now that I am disillusioned?

Knowing how little any effort ultimately means. One should always aim to do what is right and just... but perhaps not with the same enthusiasm.

I did not act in hopes of reward, honor, or glory. But to discover that my efforts did not even count for grace.

I was not prepared.

I no longer believe the failure is in my communication.

Coinciding with the structural upheaval in my life, I have been reading philosophers. Not in any attempt to find meaning, it was coincidental, but ultimately not inconsequential. One thing that all wisdom, contemporary or ancient, tends to agree on is that the overwhelming majority will choose comfort over truth. If you cannot distance yourself from truth, others will distance themselves from you.

I now stand, condemned to witness, with little hope of meaningfully affecting anything.

There are questions in life that, once asked, grant a knowledge that cannot be escaped.

A person stands on rocks by a serene stream under a crescent moon. Surrounded by misty trees, the scene is calm and mystical.

"We may change the names of things; but their nature and their operation on the understanding never change." - Hume, An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding The tragedy lies within this idea. Not that something is lost that I once cherished, but in the realization it was an illusion.

"And since in this life greater rewards are often granted to vices than to virtue, few would prefer what is right to what is useful, if they neither feared God nor anticipated an afterlife." - Descartes, Meditations on First Philosophy

This idea is exemplified by both the rejection of sound reasoning, and rejection of the messenger.

"But if I hold off from making a judgment when I do not perceive what is true with sufficient clarity and distinctness, it is clear that I am acting properly and am not committing an error." - Descartes, Meditations on First Philosophy

Few things I have read have felt so immediately correct. It is so correct that I was always confident that it would be an acceptable answer when asked for my opinion. I still believe it is the most right thing to do, but I now also have anecdotal evidence that it can still be divisive.